The Beginning

It would be misleading to say that this is the true beginning. This is merely the start of a formatted log of future events and a tool to unlock the many fond memories of what brought me to this point.

In an attempt to unlock hidden memories I will reach back as far as I can remember into my past. I will seek out those times that magical to me either physically or mentally.

I would like to begin with something I wrote years ago that I can now look back on and say "I was a little crazy!" It does still shed some light on my mental stance if not my mental health.

Path Notes of Natural Movement

I have asked myself what it means to change because I feel that a change is necessary. I felt like I was limited in my familiarity of life and realized I was not appreciating it as much as I could. I was rarely in the moment and felt disheartened because I knew that there must be more to this world than the “daily grind” that I had so firmly planted myself in. I began seeking something more. I came across numerous questions that I’ve asked myself many times. This time I chose to listen to my reoccurring concern. I wondered what would be so big, so lasting, that it would change the way I see things. I wanted to know what areas of myself I could bring about to hold the world in a new and more vibrant light. The one idea that gabbed my attention and would not loosen its tightening grip was “What behavior is it that needs refinement?” At first I thought that it was my willingness to love that I had limited. Later I realized that I had started with only half of the equation. Then, of course, I needed to find the reason I had created such a barrier.

I feel like we live in a world where selfless thoughts and actions seem to be unbelievable. We struggle as a people to think that anyone could have purely good intentions for us without an underlying want of something from us in return. We idealize the principles of freely giving yet limit our experience because we trust so little. We long for love but are blind by what that may mean - that we will be disappointed and hurt. This repeated discouragement of failed attempts in sharing ourselves pushes us further and further from putting ourselves at the forefront of that experience. So, we hide from it. Even when we are held close in its arms.

I also feel we know there is a better place, or way, of confronting these challenges instinctively. It is an ideology of the “Inner Fortress” that has its foundation so deep we will never realize when it was built or what exactly created it, just that it feels right to at least sit at the steps and long to walk inside. We know it is a place where we can be consumed by what it means to be human but can’t summon the strength to get any closer. Inside is an opportunity to know how to cultivate endless amounts of energy to endure in life despite our insecurity. But we fear that innermost dwelling more than anything and try to forget where it is and even seem to loss sight of how to get there. We lose direction and supplement our loss with the temporary relief of unhealthy habits. 

We stop at nothing to find new and creative ways to keep from getting at self-reflection. We create meaningless indulgences that take many forms and all too often create further struggles and hardships for both ourselves and those around us. We unconsciously replace those closest to us with our own escapes. In the end we cause unreasonable pain to the very one we sought to love and cherish, only to wonder why the time spent together became less and less meaningful.

This leads to a tight grip on stagnation, despite what we say and hope for. We no longer progress in areas that are lasting and begin to measure our level of success with lesser ideals. The house we live in, the kind of car we drive, or the clothes we wear become an illusionary signal to us that we are succeeding when in fact we wanted something more from the very beginning. Long before we re-prioritized our goals and achievements to avoid what is hardest we wanted to be loved.

We want the fulfillment of another person caring so deeply for us that they would sacrifice their own desires to help themselves, and genuinely give without any expectation. Yet, we do not practice what we so fiercely desire.

The opportunity to smile at a playing child or dream out loud to a close friend has passed too many times before. The need to cry because you long for touch or laugh when someone finally does... never comes to fruition because you don’t know how to appreciate the moment. Why kiss or dream or believe any of it is true if you have not yet been that child, friend, or lover?

I believe we have made this fear of exposure so powerful that it has become the driving force behind every hesitation to interact with the world outside us. It has created such a strong place in our lives because of the fear we have to explore ourselves. We have fed this fear as though it were the fire that supports our life. As if “survival” means not traveling paths that bring us close to harm. We believe that to endure life is to experience as little as possible in hopes that the painful moments will pass us by without seeing us hiding in the dark.

There is an innate attraction to the people in the world that would give their time to be with another person at the cost of losing this body and discover something more lasting. We have seen or heard of people who, in the face of all this mistrust and doubt, risk complete exposure to someone and suddenly know happiness. We want to epitomize Joseph Campbell’s idea of a “hero” and risk it all to bring something more to the world. We feel it so strongly that failure seems like it would only bring endless pain. These feelings seem to hold so much power over us because we desire to be touched with such intensity it hurts before we even know how to measure our success.

This is the illusion that we have become so intimate with. It is a matter of recognizing a deep motivation for seeking the answers to the questions we ask in our minds, far away from where any one can hear them. We must embark on that great journey to be a hero and fight the ongoing battle against our strongest opponent. We must face it alone where we cannot see our way through the traps that lay in wait and push forward. I feel we must break into our darkest places that are limiting our experiences and drag out our fears. Expose them to the light where we can see them clearly for what they are – many intangible and constantly adapting images of our own lies, half-truths, betrayals, and failures that look just like… us.

This inner-self, that you can keep from everyone else, is inside us all. It stands in wait with walls that will change to meet your moods and justify the most selfish actions. This is the place where we must tread despite the demons they lay in the masses in order to regain our faith. When we do this we are taking powerful steps to achieve what we’ve always desired – a sense of freedom from constant loss. Loss will still happen. It is what lets us know we are still alive. We simply recognize it, and with the wisdom of the grand beauty of life, losses are not so discouraging to our sense of purpose. 

I believe that action is key to the inner dwelling of our fears when we can’t seem to muster up the mental fortitude to keep climbing. We must first know what it is like to freely give to the world before we can know how to appreciate the opportunities that have been offered countless times before. We cannot realize what potential there is in another human being until we have a firm wisdom of what it means to persevere despite whatever disappointments we have allowed to create illusioned preconceptions. How can we expect to be given honesty if we lie? How can we open ourselves to the opportunity to be loved, which requires the most intense experience of interaction with the universe, if we sit stagnantly and never exercise a preparation for what we desire by first giving love?

If you have not known the wisdom of action then you will carry on in life never knowing what you missed out on. There will be no ignorant bliss to comfort you because the ache that has made your heart heavy and your thoughts scattered will tell you that something was missed. Something that could have been wonderful didn’t happen because you sat outside the walls of that temple, fearing what may be inside.

When we catch a glimpse of giving freely we gain a powerful tool - the ability to see clearly what is being given. The exchanges in life have real meaning because we understand the real motivations for giving of at least one person – ourselves. This takes the fear and hesitation out of the picture because it is no longer needed to realize the level of control we have over our lives. How we perceive success has more depth and no longer feels so fleeting. We awaken to the knowledge that it is our choice to engage life that frees us. We can fully appreciate the sincerity in love. We can see it take off in a beautiful and endless wave; encompassing all our thoughts, words, and deeds.