It would be misleading to say that this is the true beginning. This is merely the start of a formatted log of future events and a tool to unlock the many fond memories of what brought me to this point.
In an attempt to unlock hidden memories I will reach back as far as I can remember into my past. I will seek out those times that magical to me either physically or mentally.
I would like to begin with something I wrote years ago that I can now look back on and say "I was a little crazy!" It does still shed some light on my mental stance if not my mental health.
Path Notes of Natural Movement
I have asked myself what it means
to change because I feel that a change is necessary. I felt like I was limited
in my familiarity of life and realized I was not appreciating it as much as I
could. I was rarely in the moment and felt disheartened because I knew that
there must be more to this world than the “daily grind” that I had so firmly
planted myself in. I began seeking something more. I came across numerous
questions that I’ve asked myself many times. This time I chose to listen to my
reoccurring concern. I wondered what would be so big, so lasting, that it would
change the way I see things. I wanted to know what areas of myself I could
bring about to hold the world in a new and more vibrant light. The one idea
that gabbed my attention and would not loosen its tightening grip was “What
behavior is it that needs refinement?” At first I thought that it was my
willingness to love that I had limited. Later I realized that I had started
with only half of the equation. Then, of course, I needed to find the reason I
had created such a barrier.
I feel like we live in a world
where selfless thoughts and actions seem to be unbelievable. We struggle as a
people to think that anyone could have purely good intentions for us without an
underlying want of something from us in return. We idealize the principles of
freely giving yet limit our experience because we trust so little. We long for
love but are blind by what that may mean - that we will be disappointed and
hurt. This repeated discouragement of failed attempts in sharing ourselves
pushes us further and further from putting ourselves at the forefront of that
experience. So, we hide from it. Even when we are held close in its arms.
I also feel we know there is a better
place, or way, of confronting these challenges instinctively. It is an ideology
of the “Inner Fortress” that has its foundation so deep we will never realize
when it was built or what exactly created it, just that it feels right to at
least sit at the steps and long to walk inside. We know it is a place where we
can be consumed by what it means to be human but can’t summon the strength to
get any closer. Inside is an opportunity to know how to cultivate endless
amounts of energy to endure in life despite our insecurity. But we fear that
innermost dwelling more than anything and try to forget where it is and even
seem to loss sight of how to get there. We lose direction and supplement our
loss with the temporary relief of unhealthy habits.
We stop at nothing to find new
and creative ways to keep from getting at self-reflection. We create
meaningless indulgences that take many forms and all too often create further
struggles and hardships for both ourselves and those around us. We unconsciously
replace those closest to us with our own escapes. In the end we cause
unreasonable pain to the very one we sought to love and cherish, only to wonder
why the time spent together became less and less meaningful.
This leads to a tight grip on
stagnation, despite what we say and hope for. We no longer progress in areas
that are lasting and begin to measure our level of success with lesser ideals.
The house we live in, the kind of car we drive, or the clothes we wear become
an illusionary signal to us that we are succeeding when in fact we wanted
something more from the very beginning. Long before we re-prioritized our goals
and achievements to avoid what is hardest we wanted to be loved.
We want the fulfillment of another person caring so deeply
for us that they would sacrifice their own desires to help themselves, and
genuinely give without any expectation. Yet, we do not practice what we so
fiercely desire.
The opportunity to smile at a
playing child or dream out loud to a close friend has passed too many times
before. The need to cry because you long for touch or laugh when someone
finally does... never comes to fruition because you don’t know how to appreciate
the moment. Why kiss or dream or believe any of it is true if you have
not yet been that child, friend, or lover?
I believe we have made this fear
of exposure so powerful that it has become the driving force behind every
hesitation to interact with the world outside us. It has created such a strong
place in our lives because of the fear we have to explore ourselves. We have
fed this fear as though it were the fire that supports our life. As if
“survival” means not traveling paths that bring us close to harm. We believe
that to endure life is to experience as little as possible in hopes that the
painful moments will pass us by without seeing us hiding in the dark.
There is an innate attraction to the people in the world
that would give their time to be with another person at the cost of losing this
body and discover something more lasting. We have seen or heard of people who,
in the face of all this mistrust and doubt, risk complete exposure to someone
and suddenly know happiness. We want to epitomize Joseph Campbell’s idea of a
“hero” and risk it all to bring something more to the world. We feel it so
strongly that failure seems like it would only bring endless pain. These
feelings seem to hold so much power over us because we desire to be touched
with such intensity it hurts before we even know how to measure our success.
This is the illusion that we have
become so intimate with. It is a matter of recognizing a deep motivation for
seeking the answers to the questions we ask in our minds, far away from where
any one can hear them. We must embark on that great journey to be a hero and
fight the ongoing battle against our strongest opponent. We must face it alone
where we cannot see our way through the traps that lay in wait and push
forward. I feel we must break into our darkest places that are limiting our
experiences and drag out our fears. Expose them to the light where we can see
them clearly for what they are – many intangible and constantly adapting images
of our own lies, half-truths, betrayals, and failures that look just like… us.
This inner-self, that you can
keep from everyone else, is inside
us all. It stands in wait with walls that will change to meet your moods and
justify the most selfish actions. This is the place where we must tread despite
the demons they lay in the masses in order to regain our faith. When we do this
we are taking powerful steps to achieve what we’ve always desired – a sense of
freedom from constant loss. Loss will still happen. It is what lets us know we
are still alive. We simply recognize it, and with the wisdom of the grand
beauty of life, losses are not so discouraging to our sense of purpose.
I believe that action is key to
the inner dwelling of our fears when we can’t seem to muster up the mental
fortitude to keep climbing. We must first know what it is like to freely give
to the world before we can know how to appreciate the opportunities that have
been offered countless times before. We cannot realize what potential there is
in another human being until we have a firm wisdom of what it means to
persevere despite whatever disappointments we have allowed to create illusioned
preconceptions. How can we expect to be given honesty if we lie? How can we
open ourselves to the opportunity to be loved, which requires the most intense
experience of interaction with the universe, if we sit stagnantly and never
exercise a preparation for what we desire by first giving love?
If you have not known the wisdom
of action then you will carry on in life never knowing what you missed out on.
There will be no ignorant bliss to comfort you because the ache that has made
your heart heavy and your thoughts scattered will tell you that something was
missed. Something that could have been wonderful didn’t happen because you sat
outside the walls of that temple, fearing what may be inside.
When we catch a glimpse of giving freely we gain a
powerful tool - the ability to see clearly what is being given. The exchanges
in life have real meaning because we understand the real motivations for giving
of at least one person – ourselves. This takes the fear and hesitation out of
the picture because it is no longer needed to realize the level of control we
have over our lives. How we perceive success has more depth and no longer feels
so fleeting. We awaken to the knowledge that it is our choice to engage life
that frees us. We can fully appreciate the sincerity in love. We can see it
take off in a beautiful and endless wave; encompassing all our thoughts, words,
and deeds.